TOXIC PATAT: The 10 Most Difficult S£x Positions Ever Invented

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Tuesday, 16 August 2016

The 10 Most Difficult S£x Positions Ever Invented




  • Wheel Barrow




    Wheel Barrow is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    The man penetrates his partner from behind, the partner wraps his/her legs around his waist, and then the man holds onto his partner's legs for dear life as he/she does a permanent push-up to prevent his/her head from slamming on the ground. There are easier positions for a man to enjoy the view of his partner's buttocks without potential head injury.
    Check out which celeb thinks that this move is the way to go.
  • The Spider




    The Spider is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    I have no idea why this is called "The Spider" instead of the "Double Crab" since the sex position is a couple crab-walking their genitals into each other. If you have the tricep strength to keep yourself aloft and don't mind a neck cramp in order to see what you're doing, then go for it. Otherwise this position is more like a game of Twister rather than sexual congress.
  • Butter Churner




    Butter Churner is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    This position is accomplished by having the lady lay on her back and raise her legs over her head as the male penetrates her on top. This position puts a lot of pressure on the woman's neck and shoulders. Plus, I hope the guy has done his squats since sitting on the woman will just crush her.
  • The Accordion




    The Accordion is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    He's on his back with his legs up, she squats down and goes for a ride as you are both folded into each other. I hope she didn't skip leg day otherwise she'll risk bending his dick too far if she is fully seated or loses balance. Also, why name a sex position after the least sexy musical instrument?
  • The Overpass




    The Overpass is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    The woman lies on her back and kisses her knees as the man penetrates her sideways. This can only end with her needing to visit a chiropractor after the man's weight crushes her lower back and neck. If you're a man dating a stability ball, this position is for you.
  • The Head Game




    The Head Game is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    The lady lays on the base of her neck as the man enters her from his knees.

    Problem #1: She's going to get a giant neck cramp at best or a more serious injury if she loses balances and tumbles onto the ground.

    Problem #2: His erect penis is being bent downward, which can lead to new sensations but is also extremely risky. One slip and pop goes the wee-wee.

    Problem #3: This sex move is called "The Head Game" when based on its position it should clearly be called "The Piledriver," one of the most dangerous moves in professional wrestling.
  • The London Bridge




    The London Bridge is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    Just the standard woman-on-top position but with the man doing a back bridge. To accomplish this position, the man would require massive core strength and balance. This position is also purely for bragging rights since it doesn't enhance the man's pleasure at all and there are less gymnastic ways to penetrate a woman deeper.
  • The Triple Lindy




    The Triple Lindy is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    The man comes in from behind in a standing position and lifts his partner up by the waist while he/she arches his/her back in a position that looks like something from the Naked Ice Capades. I hope you don't sweat and slip your grip during this move otherwise it'll end with a faceplant and an injured penis.
  • The Pair of Tongs




    The Pair of Tongs is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    This sex move is essentially a standing scissors position but with great risk. First, the man has to hold his partner like a human gym bag and not drop her like one while keeping himself erect and thrusting. Secondly, the woman has to keep her torso taut and straight while keeping herself aloft with one arm. If not, a concussion is imminent. 

  • The Torrid Tug of War





    The Torrid Tug of War is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list The 10 Most Difficult Sex Positions Ever Invented
    Photo: user uploaded image
    Essentially, the lovers engage genitals from a seated position face-to-face, place their legs under their partner's spine, grab arms, then just lean back. I hope both participants are of equal strength otherwise the man's erect penis will bend down too far in a way nature doesn't want it to go. There is also the potential problem of a sit-up into a headbutt if one partner "wins" the tug-of-war.

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